When a Problem Is No Longer a Problem

Or, how to move towards problems feeling less problematic

About Problems and Labels

A common reason that people seek counselling or psychotherapy is for support with specific problems. Some of these have everyday names like sadness, relationship troubles, or feeling unmotivated.

Other problems have diagnostic labels like anxiety, depression, or borderline personality disorder and may consist of many specific challenges like ‘I dread going to work’, ‘I feel […] all the time’, ‘can’t stop thinking about…’ or ‘I don’t know what I want’. For some, the labels are useful, as they show that others have experienced similar difficulties. A diagnosis can carry the message that you are not alone, and what may have seemed like a worrisome mystery is workable.

However, greater understanding is available when we hold labels lightly: no two people’s anxieties, for example, are exactly the same. And a diagnosis gripped tightly can begin to feel like it is the central ‘truth’ that describes a person.

In psychotherapy we have the opportunity to let go of assumptions or rigid definitions. You share similar experiences with others, but ultimately you are uniquely you. Exploring who you have been, who you are now, and who you wish to be has the potential to make problems feel more like experiences that you have - and less like a ‘truth’ that defines you. With caring support, as the sense of self becomes increasingly robust, you may also more readily find your own answers for practical problems (e.g., ‘should I find a place to live closer to work?’)

Two Ways We Work With Problems

We can try to cope with problems by reducing or eliminating the uncomfortable feelings that go with them. This can keep us quite busy, whether we use denial, distraction, substances, shopping or another favourite method. Some challenges seem very large and scary, and at a given point in our lives we may not feel ready to explore deeply. Living life takes effort and attention, and ticking along as-is can require nearly all of our resources at times.

A second option is to embark on a journey toward deeper understanding and greater resilience. This offers the possibility of a different experience of uncomfortable feelings: they just are. Not good or bad, positive or negative: just part of being a human. Uncomfortable or comfortable, informative, interesting – but not a problem. When feelings have less potential to alarm, problems become less problematic. Paradoxically, as we grow our ability to accept uncomfortable feelings without attempting to remove them, they tend to diminish.

How Does This Happen in Psychotherapy?

Many of us have little experience with staying with uncomfortable emotions in a way that feels safe or manageable. No wonder we develop ways of avoiding, resisting or trying to eliminate these feelings. Survival sometimes requires finding ways to deal with the unbearable.

In psychotherapy you have the opportunity to experience emotions (uncomfortable or otherwise) with a person who welcomes them. There is no time frame for feelings: when they arise naturally the therapist can attend with compassion and understanding for the discomfort of some emotions while making space for them without judgement and without wishing them away. Over time you can experience uncomfortable emotions less as a difficulty and more as ‘ok’ as they are. When feelings associated with life challenges are manageable, the problems associated with them become less problematic.