Empathy and Sympathy

There are many definitions and discussions of empathy and sympathy available on the Internet and elsewhere these days – e.g., this RSA Short animation narrated by Dr Brené Brown. Understanding these qualities can help with navigating relationships, providing or receiving support, and deepening connections. On this blog I will offer descriptions of each and some ideas about how they differ and their impact.

Sympathy, or ‘If I were you’

When we imagine what it would be like if we were in the same situation as another, we might feel sympathetic. We hear that our best friend lost her job, and we think ‘if that happened to me, I would be devastated’. Perhaps we would send a note saying that we are sorry this happened, and we are sad for her. But all we know so far is how we might feel in similar circumstances – not how our friend feels. Meeting to chat in person, she may sense our concern and sympathetic distress. With some luck, our feeling may match hers, and she might have a sense that we understand her experience.

But she may feel differently than we expect, and soon she is comforting us for her job loss and may feel that it is more important to tend to our distress than reflect on or talk about her feelings about the event. A gulf remains between us, as there is no shared understanding.

Empathy, or ‘If you were you’

By intentionally letting go of (or at least loosening our grip on) our own view of another person’s experience, we make room for discovering ‘how it is’ for them. Instead of making a guess or relying on our initial felt reaction to our friend’s job loss, we listen as she finds words for her feelings. As we reflect our understanding of her words (e.g., ‘sounds like you are feeling disappointed), she feels heard and – ideally – that we ‘get it’. To feel understood in this was is enlivening.

Messages carried by sympathy and empathy

Sometimes messages are felt beneath the words we say. Such messages can be received even when we don’t intend them.

Some possibilities with sympathy: I already know how it is for you, and I will keep my distance. I will not get too close to you. On the receiving end: I am not understood. You may care enough to try to help, but I am not worth being truly known. Is it ok that I feel this way?

Some possibilities with empathy: You know, and I want to know how it is for you. I am alongside you, and your reality matters to me. On the receiving end: I matter and

I have worth. I feel understood. This is how I feel, and that is ok.

So why sympathy?

Sometimes we don’t have access to others. If we hear about a natural disaster far away, we may feel sympathy for those who struggle with the consequences. If we can’t communicate with them, we can only guess at how they are feeling (perhaps using how we would feel as a guide) and what might be helpful.

And it may be that sympathy is a ‘default’ reaction: our problem-solving ability helps us react quickly to alarming information, and our own perspective is readily available. By contrast, empathy usually requires us to slow down to listen and feel what another person is saying. Taking this deliberate approach can be difficult when we are tired, stressed or coping with our own challenges.

How to ‘do’ empathy

Perhaps empathy requires more letting go than doing. When we are communicating with someone, each thing they say (whether spoken or not) may arouse a thought or feeling within us. We need not abandon our inner experience to listen deeply; rather, we can hold our reactions ‘off to one side’ – not gone, but not at the forefront of our attention. When we have truly heard the other person, we can combine what we have understood from them with our own inner dialogue to offer a response.

Our friend tells us that she lost her job. We may feel concern or fear for her, and we may have a thought like ‘how will she manage’? But if we hold on to our reaction for a moment instead of voicing it, she may surprise us by explaining how excited she is to start something new. Then as we share her excitement, our connection is strengthened, and she feels understood.